Not many people know I struggle with this, so who better to tell than the small public that may read this.

I was turning 14 when I realized something was wrong with myself.

I remember feeling hopeless and different than how I had felt just a couple years ago. I remember wanting to talk to someone SO bad about how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and all the phobias I had. I tried talking to my mother, the person I knew I could tell everything to, but she just kept telling me, “Stop worrying and overreacting! Nothing is wrong with you. God wouldn’t want to make you worry!” And with that, I knew I couldn’t tell anyone else since my own mother thought I was crazy.

I grew up as a Catholic and learning that God never leaves us alone...But I didn’t feel that He was with me at that time. I just knew he existed and was maybe putting me through some twisted test.

I prayed, and prayed that the feelings of wanting to cry for no reason at all, feeling so alone even when there were people around, worrying about getting really ill; or even worse, getting appendicitis (My ULTIMATE phobia), and feeling completely depressed when I didn’t even want to, and being anxious all the time, to just go away and never come back.

Eventually things got worse and I started slowing down my overacting brain to realize all the patterns I had been doing. It started by feeling that my anxiety was at a constant roller coaster, it would go UP then I’d touch a doorknob 8 to 15 times and it would go back DOWN. But it didn’t stop there, I found myself  going to the bathroom 4 times and checking the light switches off and on another 5 times before I went to sleep, counting the gulps I took when I drank water, moving frames in place, having certain things organized by size, counting to 7 seven times when I would try to stop a compulsion before it got worse…that made it worse. And worst of all, I would touch my stomach way more than constantly, especially my right side. I was apparently so afraid of getting appendicitis that I had to press and let go close to where the appendix was to make sure there were no horrible pains. That was where I couldn’t take it anymore and would cry.

I remember the exact moment where I realized what I had, why I had it was a different story, I was sitting in my room watching MTV’S® True Life™: I have OCD.

When I saw that episode I nearly broke down. Mostly everything they did, I was doing. I didn’t realize until then, but I even made my family do my compulsions so I wouldn’t have such a big load on me. Like turn on the lights because “I Forgot something” (When I really didn’t) I knew it was bad, and if I didn’t get help, it was going to get much worse than it already was.

A few weeks later (I thought) my stomach hurt and began freaking out and doing compulsions to calm my anxiety even more than before. I talked my mom into taking me to the Doctor’s so they could give me a check up. I was almost certain that my phobia was coming true.

We walked into a Doctor’s office and I started being a bit relieved knowing that if something was going to happen, at least I wouldn’t be alone. Once I was called to the Doctor’s room I was hoping everything would be ok, my mom didn’t seem worried at all.

The Doctor came in and did the regular ear check, pee-in-a-cup test, and when I told him about my “abdominal pain” and how I was worried it was appendicitis, he didn’t seem the least bit worried either, he told me to lay on my back and started pressing around my stomach and asking if I felt and shooting pain, I told him not really. It just felt uncomfortable in my stomach.

He wrote some things on a piece of paper and said, “You don’t have appendicitis, but I’m going to call someone else to come talk to you, if that’s ok? Just to ask you some questions.” He didn’t look worried, he looked more like sympathetic for me. Another Doctor came in with some papers and asked if I wanted my mom there or not, I said, “Yes please.” And he began asking me questions that weren’t medical,
“Do you sometimes feel scared?”
“Uhm…yes”
at that point I knew the questions were not going to get easier to handle, he proceeded,
“Do you feel alone even when you have your family or company around you?”
“…Yes” (I beganto tear)
“Do you feel depressed like nobody cares how you feel?”
“Yes” (I started to cry)
I looked to where my mom was sitting silently and she began to tear. He asked me a couple more questions that made me feel relieved to admit to someone that I was not feeling happy. My mom then spoke while tearing, “Christina, I didn’t know you felt like this!” I responded, “I didn’t tell you because you only said God was going to make me feel better and I knew you wouldn’t care or believe me.” The doctor then said, “Christina, I’m going to help you find someone to talk to, a psychologist could help you feel better. What you’re physically feeling isn’t because your sick medically, it’s because you’re so afraid that you’re brain is tricking you into thinking you are sick when you’re not. A brain is a powerful part of the body that can make you feel physically ill when you’re just psychologically in stress and scared” He gave me a paper with psychologists name’s and addresses and hugged me.

Walking out of the Doctor’s office with hope was such an incredible feeling, something I missed, relief. My mom just held me and said, “I’m sorry. I’m going to help you chose someone you can talk to. I believe you, and I know god WILL help you, but we have to put our parts for him to help you.”

I went to a psychologist for 2 years and now, almost 4 years later, I can honestly say I’m a changed person. And although I get those DOWN phases where I start compulsioning again, I know the psychologist was right when she told me, “You will go through this again once you’re over it, but next time it will be different, you will be strong enough to be able to get through on your own. Everyone will eventually have a psychological problem in their life, but you’ve been through the worse already, in a way, you’re lucky.”

And it’s true, I’m in another phase again and it’s not easy, but it’s not AS difficult as it was. Not even close. It stopped for about a year and came back then went, and came back again, but when it does come back, I’m not in as much anxiety as I was. I doing feel depressed and alone like I did. I do believe God helped me through it all, and now my relationship with his is stronger than it ever has been. I’ve been able to keep my feet on the ground and look forward to the future. It may be something that comes and goes for the rest of my life, or it may be something that’s like a pain killer, where you have to experience A LOT of pain after taking it, but then it sets in and the pain is gone completely.

I know like to help people, probably more than I actually help myself, I can’t stand to see someone go through something bad and just sit and say, “Oh that sucks” because I’ve been there, and it just made me feel worse thinking that nobody believes you or thinks it’s a big deal. But it is. It took control of my life for years. But through all of it, I’m much more stronger and smile A LOT more than I used to.

 Its God’s work in Our lives, but it’s up to us if we want to accept His help and help him help us. He shouldn’t have to do it alone.

 Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? - Closed! >.<
Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? - Haha yea.
Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? - One side tucked, one side not.
Have you ever stolen a street sign before? - I want to :D I want my name.
Do you like to use post-it notes? - Oh yes!
Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? - Of course.
Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? - Oh Gosh o.O Well with bees, I know I at least would be alive.
Do you have freckles? - Nope.
Do you always smile for pictures? - Not with my teeth haha. Idk why.
What is your biggest pet peeve? - When people pick dirt and stuff off their nails. And clothing tags! eww.
Do you ever count your steps when you walk? - Haha yes. Not all the time.
Have you ever peed in the woods? - Much more than once!
What about pooped in the woods? - Uhh...Don\'t...think...so? Maybe once?
Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? - There\'s always music in my head, but to people,yes. Cause they can\'t hear my mind.
Do you chew your pens and pencils? - Nope. Ew. Germs.
How many people have you slept with this week? - o.O Never. But my moma slept beside me :)
What size is your bed? - Twin I think? Comfy Serta :)
What is your Song of the week? - \"5 cheers for 3 years\" Mayday Parade
Is it okay for guys to wear pink? - Oh yeas ;)
Do you still watch cartoons? - OF COURSE!
Whats your least favorite movie? - Date Movie =|
Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? - In my home back in Rosamond. I did :)
What do you drink with dinner? - Depends what I ahve. Usually water, or nothing.
What do you dip a chicken nugget in? - Depends on what I\'m craving. Usually Honey :)
What is your favorite food? - Sushi and Greek!
What movies could you watch over and over and still love? - Too many to put down! M. Night Shyamalan\'s movies, El Orphenato, etc...
Last person you kissed/kissed you? - Martin. Moma on the cheek :)
Were you ever a boy/girl scout? - Haha no. That would\'ve been cool tho.
Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? - Nope.
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? - Couple weeks ago to Justin, never mailed it. I should...I will.
Can you change the oil on a car? - Kinda.
Ever gotten a speeding ticket? - Nope. Can\'t drive =|
Ran out of gas? - Haha my mom did.
Favorite kind of sandwich? - Greek and original Turkey Sandwich.
Best thing to eat for breakfast? - Cereal. Or cookies and milk!
What is your usual bedtime? - Don\'t have one. I should sleep at 10:30.
Are you lazy? - ...*sigh* Yes. Mainly because there\'s nothing to do here >.<
When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? - I\'ve only celebrated Halloween once. I was a princess. (You can tell how old I was the last time I celebrated it)
What is your Chinese astrological sign? - Sheep I think. 1991?
How many languages can you speak? - 2
Do you have any magazine subscriptions? - Nope. But I go out and get 17 and CosmoGirl monthly at Wallgreens haha. Well, try to at least.
Which are better legos or lincoln logs? - LEGOS!
Are you stubborn? - Eh depends.
Who is better...Leno or Letterman? - Uh Uh Uh both!
Ever watch soap operas? - Yep haha. But not all dedicated to them.
Afraid of heights? - Nope.
Sing in the car? - All the time!
Dance in the shower? - Yes hehe.
Dance in the car? - Try to.
Ever used a gun? - YES!...Water :)
Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? - Last year. Family.
Do you think musicals are cheesy? - Idk? I want to go to one someday :)
Is Christmas stressful? - Psh. It\'s my birthday, it better not be! Haha.
Ever eat a pierogi? - *Google Search*...I think I have! They\'re good :) I thought they were called Pot Stickers?
Favorite type of fruit pie? - Coconut Creme OH MAN! MmMmMmm!!!
Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? - Vet/secretary (am one) interior designer (still do)/Pychcology (still do)
Do you believe in ghosts? - Kiiiinda. I shouldn\'t tho.
Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? - ALWAYS!
Take a vitamin daily? - Try to. *Fail*
Wear slippers? - Yea sometimes
Wear a bath robe? - Mhm.
What do you wear to bed? - Shirt and pants or shorts.
First concert? - TEDDY GIEGER!!! =D
Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? - TARGET!!!! Hands down. Smells like popcorn, My nick name is popcorn. MmmM.
Nike or Adidas? - Eh none. Nikes are ok and better.
Cheetos Or Fritos? - Fritos. Cheetos make me sick.
Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? - Sunflower seeds!
Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? - *Google Search* Nope. Now I\'ve heard OF them.
Ever take dance lessons? - Yep! 3 Years Ballet, 2 years tap. Taking Ballet again. Maybe Belly Dancing!
Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? - Pychcology or something else smart =P
Can you curl your tongue? - Like a taco? Si Senor!
Ever won a spelling bee? - I got to the semi-finals in my class 1st grade! =O haha.
Have you ever cried because you were so happy? - Haha yea. Joy. Miss it.
Own any record albums? - RECORD albums?? Like Vinly? Nope.
Own a record player? - Nope. My grandpa does!!
Regularly burn incense? - No. Just breath it in Church
Ever been in love? - Nope.
Who would you like to see in concert? - Taking Back Sunday/David Archuleta/Mayday ParadeMotel/Reik/...(WAAYY too many to put)
What was the last concert you saw? - American Idol Tour 2008! :) With David Archuleta! =O
Hot tea or cold tea? - Mmm Cold!
Tea or coffee? - Hmmm...Depends.
Sugar or snickerdoodles? - I actually JUST tried Snickerdoodles a couple weeks ago, and they are DELICIOUS!...But I wouldn\'t trade those for Butter Cookies!
Can you swim well? - ...No. I can drown in a 4 1/2ft pool. lol.
Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? - YEA!
Are you patient? - Yes.Weird.
DJ or band, at a wedding? - Both. Duh!
Ever won a contest? - HAHA YES! Omg! Me and my (non-blood) lil sis won 3rd place in a Goldfish contest a couple years back! HAHA. I\'m writing those memories DOWN!
Ever have plastic surgery? - Ew no! Do I LOOK like Barbie to you? Didn\'t think so.
Which are better black or green olives? - GREEN!...Looks like poopie tho =|
Can you knit or crochet? - I used to a little before. Now I don\'t even remember! (I should\'ve kept practicing ugh!)
Best room for a fireplace? - Living room/Bedroom/AND Bathroom...and backyard.
Do you want to get married? - YES YES YES!!! Of Course :) Mr. Right is out there somewhere! FIND ME DANGIT! Maybe I\'ll find HIM on accident. Idk.
If married, how long have you been married? - Never
Who was your HS crush? - Haha. Hm. I\'ve had quite a few...If not ALOT. Lol.
Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? - No.
Do you have kids? - Nope.
Do you want kids? - YES!! Awww at LEAST 2-4!
Whats your favorite color? - Magenta!
Do you miss anyone right now? - Everyone back home =(
Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX? - I think a little.

I was at a friends house last night and she handed me a 2 page story and told me to read it. It was titled, "No Mientan a Sus Padres!" spanish for "Do Not Lie to Your Parents!" and although it was in spanish, I was curious to read it. (I'm Mexican so I do know spanish, not saying every Mexican raised in the U.S knows spanish, but I can read it fairly well.) and this is what it read (excuse me if I'm not the BEST at translating):

"Jenny thought her parents wouldn't give her permission to go to a party with her friends, so she decided to lie, and told them that she would be going to the movies with a girl friend. Even though she felt a bit bad because she didn't tell the truth, she also didn't think about it too much and started to have fun. The pizza was really good and the party was fun; at the end her friend Pedro, who was already a bit drunk, invited her to take a little stroll, but first he wanted to have a little "smoke"...Jenny couldn't believe that he would be smoking that, but even then, she got into the car with him. All of a sudden de began to accelerate the speed. More than anything, that's not what Jenny wanted, "Maybe my parents were right. Perhaps I am too young to go out like this. How could I have been so stupid?!" She thought to herself.
"Please Pedro." She said, "take me home, I don't want to stay!"
Irritated, Pedro began to accelerate the car at top speed. Jenny, terrified, begged him to go slower, but the more she pleaded, the more he accelerated. "Oh my God help us! We're going to crash!" She received all the force of the impact, everything suddenly became dark. Semi conscious, she felt somebody take her out of the twisted-bent car, and heard voices: "Call the ambulance! These teenagers are in a lot of problems!" She heard somebody say that two cars were involved in the accident.

She woke up in the hospital seeing sad faces, "They were in a terrible accident," Somebody said.
In the middle of the confusion she found out Pedro was dead.
To her they said, "Jenny, we'll do everything we can, but it seems like we may lose you too."
"And the people from the other car?" Jenny asked crying,
"They also died." They answered her.
Jenny began to pray: "God forgive me for what I have done, I just wanted a night of fun." and giving her attention to one of the nurses, she asked, "Please, tell the family of those that were in the other car to forgive me, that I would like to return their loved ones. Tell my mother and father that I'm sorry, because I lied, and that I feel guilty because many have died. Please nurse, will you tell them this on my behalf?"

The nurse stood quite, like a statue, moments later, Jenny passed away. A man questioned strongly to the nurse: "Why did you not do the possible to fulfill the last wish of that girl?" The nurse looked at the man with eyes filled of sadness, and told him: "Because the people that were in the other car were her father and mother who went out to look for her."

When I read this, I swear, it sent shivers down my spine at the end. All I could think was: this CAN be true!
I'm not 100% sure if it is. According to my friend, her aunt was listening to a radio station in spanish when this story came on. She E-mailed the station and sent her a typed copy. She then gave one to my friend and my friend gave me one. I plan on spreading this story.

At the end of the story there was a paragraph that says,

"THIS REFLECTION IS REALLY SAD BUT A BIG TRUTH TO OUR CHILDREN THAT GO OUT AND WE DON'T KNOW IF THEY REALLY ARE GOING TO THE PLACE THEY SAID THE'LL BE AND ALSO A LESSON FOR US, THE PARENTS, TO BE MORE CAREFUL WITH THEM AND KNOW IF THEY REALLY ARE IN THE PLACE WHERE THEY WANT OR SHOULD BE."

Although I'm not the kind of person to do this kind of stuff, I wouldn't be able to handle if my mother died for my faults that could have been avoided. I hope you learned as much as I have and I hope you refer this to someone else you think will learn as well, or just to everyone you know who would care about something like this.