DIARY <3

Friday, 29 January 2010

  • A Dream Daring to Teach Me a Lesson....I'm sorry. I miss you.

    I had a dream about you again last night. Only the third one of you since that tragic night 4 months, 6 nights, ago. This time last year, we were together for 12 days.

     

    The dream is not as clear as I wished it would be, but I learned from it, and cherished every moment of it….

    I was living in the city. My mom was working at a restaurant. As I went in to greet her, she said to me, “You know he won’t be here for long. Don’t make the same mistake of taking him for granted. Do right what you didn’t do before.” With this sinking feeling in my stomach, I told her she was right, and that I loved her, and then I headed out the door.  I met up with you somewhere else, and as we were waiting for food, or something, you came up behind me and held me.  Somehow I knew you were only there with me temporarily, so I felt like I was being given a second chance. I grabbed your arms as I started to cry, but you couldn’t see, and wrapped them around me tighter. I felt protected, warm, cared for, and nurtured. I kissed your hands so many times thinking I didn’t want you to let me go. You kissed my head. All I remember was crying. Wishing in my mind you wouldn’t leave me. As though your death was a nightmare, and I was back in reality.

     

    Everything else was a blur, but the last thing I remember was you holding my hands, and telling me something along the liens of, “Don’t do this again.” I instantly thought of not taking anyone for granted again. You put my head on your hands kissed my forhead, and said goodbye. I remember you just disappearing in a bright light.

     

    I stood there sobbing. Knowing I wouldn’t see you again like that. I turned around, and opened my eyes, and Joe was standing there. It was the first time I saw him in person. I immediately hugged him, and knew I wasn’t going to let go. I thought to myself that I wouldn’t take him for granted. I’d cherish every moment as our last. He held me tight, and I felt comforted as I kept crying. He somehow knew the reason. He always does.

     

    I pray this isn’t the last time you come into my dreams at night. Although it’s only been 3 dreams, you’ve given me life-changing thoughts, and have helped clear what my actions should be in each one.

     

    I’m sorry.
    I’m sorry I couldn’t get so close to you like I wished I did.

    I’m sorry I was stubborn, and assumed you took me for granted.

    I’m sorry I expected so much out of you, when I knew you just respected the person I was.

    I’m sorry I took for granted when you would kiss my hands; kiss my head, held my hand, and everything else.
    I'm sorry I didn't love you like I should have.

    I’m sorry we didn’t make it, because I wanted to be closer.

     

    Everyone was right love can take time.

     

    Just in those 3 months together, I realized all this:

    You gave me the most perfect Valentine’s Day ever.

    You cared about me

    You held me

    You loved me, and I didn’t know.

     

    Now the situation that made me realize that I really do love you,

    is also the situation that made God take you away.

    I will never physically see you again

     

    Why do we wait until things get to the painful point to realize our feelings?

     

    I’m sorry.

     I miss you.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

  • Currently
    What Is Love
    By Never Shout Never
    "Can't Stand It"
    see related

    There is no reality in love.

    Do I have your attention? Good.

    Everyone must believe in love through some form. I always have, but not like this. To start, we've known each other for 2 weeks today. I'm not one to get close to someone TOO fast, just fast enough. But with Joe, it's like I've forgotten everything I have ever believed to know about love. I've always been one to believe that love takes time....kinda. I'm also a very impatient person when it comes to attraction. I have a hard time believing I can be attracted to someone A LOT through time. For me, it's like I have to have a heavy attraction towards someone's physical appearance, inner personality, and hair (yep, hair) right away. I NEED to feel those butterflies fighting for space in my tummy, I need to feel like I'm sinking into my body, like everything around me is fading away, like I can't breath, or should I say don't want to breath. I tried being attracted to someone at first glance, then realizing that's all I felt, and once we were ACTUALLY together I felt like we weren't all we could be. People would advise me that those feelings come over time. I TRIED believing it, but I just couldn't.

    I've only felt that whole buttery feeling once or twice. Those times I was hurt.

    And here I am again, but this time the feelings started pretty big, and grew like, "Oh my gosh!" (Note: I LOVE the way he says that)....Call me crazy, or insane....or both.... and more....but Wow, I've never felt this way. Certainly I'm not IN love considering the fact that we've never actually met, yet. (Those 9 months can not come any sooner!!)....or am I?....Hmmmm I have a lot of feelings to organize....Anyway, I used to believe that you could not love someone just like that. Again, I'm DEFIDENLTY going against my beliefs. I used to think people like how I am now we're just flat out blind. Like they were just insane, and are not seeing clearly.

    This is the followup to my first statement: I've been living in "reality-love" You know? Like the kind where you know you love someone, because you care about them, but you still care about people's opinions about that love. I've started to think about the ACTUALL, most rarely known, form of LOVE. The kind where you feel like you can't really LIVE without that person. Where literally EVERYTHING reminds you of just that ONE person, and your sleeping habits just go out-of-whack because you can't seem to stop thinking about them cuddling with you, holding you, staring in your eyes, always wanting them by your side, whispering cute things in your ear, kissing you to softly it almost tickles, where the whole world has stop looking like just a round survival globe, and more like a playground for cute pictures of you 2, wonderful walks, random moments, meaningful memories, and lovely art!! It seems to be like reality is the farthest thing from your mind! Sure you can keep your mind from slipping into some sort of hallucination that is LITERALLY unreal, yet you leave it open for him to just run through like they own it!! It's like you want everything to stop being, "I like to write." and start becoming, "I love to write about you!" And "I love when he writes about me!"....more specific, more US, less ME. There is no way nobody would want that.

    You feel the need to be wanted, to be cared for, to be loved.

    Then I think....Uhm, we're not even boyfriend/girlfriend, OR IN LOVE with eachother (yet)!! I REALLY can't imagine what that's going to be like, or feel like! CAN it get anymore insane-er than it already has become?!

      • Love is what you make it.
        Feeling love is how you chose it.
        Acting love is how you decide it.
        Being loved is a gift
        Being in love....that's priceless.

    One other thing that I'd REALLY like to add, if you want to know what some signs are the clearest to understand the happiness of your love:

    When you want EVERYONE to feel what you're feeling.
    When you can really care less what everyone else thinks.
    When you KNOW their intentions are true, and patient.
    When all they need to make their day, and yours, is to just listen to your voice's together.

    I honestly can't wait for everything that love has to offer....and for the first time (literally) I'm excited to see what being IN love has to give.

    That's all for now. I REALLY hope this put a smile on your face,
    and made your day (you know who you are).

    Happy 2 weekaversary as my best friend!

    ....for now ;]]

    I found my positive writing inspiration.

    I hope everyone finds their's too.

    For there is no greater feeling then love.

    I DARE you to search.....

    You'll only prove my point further.

    12:42am

    "You're the only one I'm dreaming of....I want the world to see you'll be with me."-TRAIN

Monday, 25 January 2010

  • "There is no remedy for love but to love more."...Quotes that complete me

                                    happy2

    "The hours blend and your thoughts
    All haunt your hopes, your dreams
    Your everything"-NSN!

    "Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."
    --    Robert Sexton

     "Love is like a friendship caught on fire: In the beginning a flame,
    very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.
    As love grows older, our hearts mature and
    our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."
    --    Bruce Lee

     "I LYVE Y0U."

    "Now i'll take a step back
    and look in your eye
    and ask why
    it took us so long to see
    we're meant to be"-NVN!

    "Would it be ok, would it be ok, if I took your breath away? *Breath*"-ADTR

    "Love is a temporary madness...."-St. Augustine

    "Never underestimate the
    power of the perfect kiss.
    Get it right, and the rest will fall into place."-Unknown

     "A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous."
    --    Ingrid Bergmen

    "There is the kiss of welcome and of parting,
    the long, lingering, loving, present one; the stolen,
    or the mutual one; the kiss of love, of joy, and of sorrow;
    the seal of promise and receipt of fulfillment." -    Thomas C. Haliburotn

    "In dreams and in love
    there are no impossibilities."
    --    Janos Arnay

     "I love you, not only for what you are,
    But for what I am when I am with you."
    --    Roy Croft

     "It's so easy, To think about Love,
    To Talk about Love,
    To wish for Love,
    But it's not always easy,
    To recognize Love,
    Even when we hold it
    .... In our hands."
    --    Jaka

    "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others,
    and the delight in the recognition."
    --    Alexander Smith

     "Somewhere there's someone
    who dreams of your smile..."
    --Unknown

    "If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you made me smile,
    I would have the whole night sky in the palm of my hand."
    --Unknown

    "When a heart finds another, what's a cloud more or less in the sky?"
    --    Wolf and Page

     "The most precious possession that ever comes
    to a man in this world is a woman's heart."
    --    Josiah G. Holland

     "True love begins when nothing is looked for in return."
    --    Antoine De Saint-Exupery

     "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
    while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
    --    Lao Tzu

    "Don't spend today away,
    cause today will soon be gone,
    like yesterday is gone"-Switchfoot

    "Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her... "

Friday, 22 January 2010

  • Why do bad things happen to good people?

    Seriously, can you imagine not having anywhere to live, but you're car; not knowing what there is to eat, peing injured in an accident from years before, but aren't eligible for ANY health insurance, beng in the "gray area" (Meaning you can't retire, because you're too young. 57, really?! But can't work because of injuries that resulted into some disability, and you're not applicable for Disability or Social Security!) having to give your kids up to a lousy ex husband, and pretty much collapse with no help at all!

    That was pretty much the story of a lady who came into the office this morning. I didn't know what to say, or do, or think. It was just all so much! This lady, and her husband gave up EVERYTHING....or should I say, got everything taken away! The saddest part? They both have degrees! He's a Senior Biologist, and she has a degree in nursing, but the company he worked for collapsed, and she was in a horrible accident GOING to work (they gave her three 6 hour shifts almost everyday!)! But since she was on a 9 month probation (because she had barely started) AND it didn't happen near her job, they couldn't help her with anything.

    Shes been turned away by emergency housing, because families with kids are first priority, and no one has been able to help her. I really can not imagine what that feels like. To have to wake up every morning wondering what's going to happen, living every day just literally day-by-day with no choice. She believes in God, but honestly, I would not believe in him if I had went through everything she has been through.

    Being happy with my life recently made me feel like I'm appreciating everything God has given me. I don't have to worry about where I'm going to sleep, what I'm going to wear, what I'm going to eat, how I'm going to get income, nothing. This lady has nothing. And as though that wasn't enough, her temporary license plate sticker is about to expire in a few days. How does she have so much faith? I mean, I told her God always tests us to see how much we can take, but BEING in that situation is much more difficult then trying to understand it.

    I pray her life gets saved soon. She sacrificed so much, and now she's suffering.
    She had a disabled daughter, and had to move to Arizona so she could get the proper surgeries, and that's when she says that everything collapsed.

    I felt horrible that I couldn't help her as much as I'd like to. I just handed her a few reference numbers. That's all my Church can provide.

    I don't ever want to have to go through that. I want to be grateful for my life forever like I have been doing recently. I just pray I don't fall to selfishness of wanting to have an even BETTER life. I REALLY could not ask for anything more. I'm never alone, I don't have to suffer, I have family and friends who love me and will never abandon me, I have that choice of being happy. Some don't.

    Be grateful for what you have in your life. Even if it's just the basics of having your own bed, food, clothing, shelter, not everyone is that blessed,

    You feel their pain in their voice, you see the sadness in their eyes, but through all of their emotions, you can still see their gratitude for being alive.  

Thursday, 21 January 2010

  • When all it takes is 1 person, and a week to change your life....

           “When someone loves you, the way your name is different.
    You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

     Can you truly love someone in a short, and I'm talking SHORT, period of time?? Can your life really change in just 7 days? I used to think not until literally a week ago.

    His name is Joseph. (Also known as dustin_wind here on Xanga).


    I guess being bored at work paid off. I decided to read some random, random, blogs just to pass some time, and I came across someone's @ reply comment to him. Out of curiosity I decided to take a look at his blogs, and was impressed by the way he was able to express himself. As the saying goes, one thing led to another starting here, going over to Facebook, then AIM, then Myspace, then texting, to calling, and webcaming, and now:

    He's my best friend, and I LOVE him.

    Call my crazy (that's what my mom pretty much said, but just with her eyes) but I couldn't lie about this if I wanted to. Sure we're about 11 states, and over 2,000 miles apart, and we've never met personally, but I'm closer to him than any friend I have within a 3 mile radius! I must admit it's pretty unreal. The way we talk to each other, understand one another, and more importantly express our love, is something that can't, and shouldn't, be compared to anything I've ever experienced. We're not afraid to say what's on our minds, especially since usually it's so alike, and we both admit we're happier than we were a week ago.

    In this really short time he's been able to pretty much change, and save, my life. I know who I am now personality wise, when before I just knew who I was as other people saw me. I realized:

     I love being romantic in a lovely way,

    and having those feelings returned means more to me than anyone could ever know, or understand.

    “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people
    will forget what you did, but people will never
    forget how you made them feel."

    It's such an amazing feeling to wake up, live the day, and go to sleep knowing you're loved 100% by someone! It's like every single day is better than the last. I haven't had days like that since I lived in my home state. He's helped me open up to what I'm feeling, and say what I'm thinking. I want him here with me. That's a given.

    • I want to go to sleep listening to his heart beating in a whisper in my ear.
    • I want to wake up with him beside me knowing we spent the whole night just staring at each other, smiling.
    • I want to spend every day just in his presence not caring what we do as long as we do it together.
    • I want him to physically make me weak in the knees, my stomach sink with happiness, my heart feel like it's going to come out, and my breath being taken away slowly.

    I LOVE this boy!! Everything about him makes my heart pound, yet again I repeat IT'S ONLY BEEN A WEEK!?? This is not lust. I am not one to crave lust. I'm one to not only crave love, but to create it as well. I was meant to love, not lust.

    “Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

    This boy could very well be my everything. That I don't know since I've chosen not to fall in love. I'm not ready for it, but if anyone could make me fall in love one day....in all honesty....ESPECIALLY being honest to myself right now....It would be him. It wouldn't be right away, but through time wether it be in a few years, or a few months, he could. I'm aiming towards a few years. But when ever it may be, God has him with me for a reason. I should never dare question that.

    You make me smile like every day is sunny.
    You make me love like I'm insane.
    You make happy songs meangingful, and sad songs a reason to not be listened to.
    You make "romantic" real rather than just eyes rolling in annoyance.
    You make me want to live, and be with you everyday.
    You give me a reason to wake up in the morning.
    And sleep at night.
    You make me day dream better than my mind can dream.
    You make me want to feel this way forever.
    You are my comfort, my protection.
    Your voice is my high.
    Your eyes are my illusion in reality.

    “This is my wish for you: comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, the laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life."

    I leave you with this:

    "If I never met you, I wouldn't like you, if I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you.
    But I did, I do, and I will."

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

  • Currently
    Songs About Jane
    By Maroon 5
    "She Will Be Loved"
    see related

    RE: Wow {{Dustin_wind}} (Blog 25 of 370)

             

    Yea, so this is going to be a pretty long blog, but it's really meaningful to me.

    Earlier today, I read the blog "Wow" by @dustin_wind also known as my best friend :)

    And I just had to be shocked on the fact that he wrote that this morning....but I pretty much responded to it LAST NIGHT!! D:

    We have this amazing connection, and writing what we feel is pretty much the best way to describe it.

    Blog #25 of 370.
    Tuesday, January 19, 2010 12:08am (Technically the 20th)
    SONG: She Will Be Loved-Maroon 5

    My heart's full right now. It's pretty incredible actually. How can you get so close to someone in SUCH a short period of time?? It's either one, I'm really insane, or two, "never say never". I'm trying to be clear in my mind, heart, and soul. I'm tired of thinking, "Oh man, this is all just going to pass." Then move to another guy. With Joe, my heart is there. He has it. I'm pretty much sick of believing that all guys are the same. I'm tired of fearing to let one guy have my whole heart. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but in all honesty I would LOVE To be Joe's girlfriend if he lived here =[ But I start to think, if God put him in my life in SUCH an ODDDD WAYY, there has to be a reason he's here in my life....right?? It can't be coincidence that we feel the same way in such a short time? Or is that bad? I think not. When has love ever been wrong?? Well I mean the one that's not so blinded by hurtful words, and actions.

    I guess everything will be said, and done at the right time in the future. God knows. I just still try to think, "Where would I be right now? If I haven't met him, or spoken to him?? Where would he be?" I think I'd be somewhat lost at this moment. I wouldn't be trying to figure out wether or not I want to be in love (which I don't for a while by the way) or understand what it's like to love someone the same way they love you.

    Maybe this will lessen, maybe it'll get stronger. I won't know until God wants to tell me. For now, I'm going to be loved every single day. And I love it. I love him. He's my best friend....who happens to live too far. I actually wasn't going to talk to him for that reason, but I thought, "Eh, it'll be just an Xanga friend" Wow, was I wrong. I did not expect this at all!! Looks like my year is starting at just the right happiness, and mood. I wouldn't have it any other way. He's incredible, amazing, and oh my gosh does he make my heart flutter and pound!!

    I was finally able to tell Joe how I feel, and get an amazing response back! I made him tear, because of joy! I've never been able to do that!! I'm just so....happy?....I think I'm ACTUALLY starting to be happy instead of just content!!!! It's unreal!! I mean everything is changing....no no, progressing!! :D I have a wonderful best friend, I loooove my new style, hair, and personality, and I'm just happy!!!! Can things get better???? WILL they?? I'll just have to be patient.

    When I was trying to read him what I wrote for him earlier, my hands were shaking and I couldn't breath well!! I thought to myself, "WTF is wrong with me right now!?" I wasn't expecting that to happen to me, but I guess that's my life this year, "Unexpected" in a good way!!

    "And every single day that I can breath, You change my philosophy, I'm never
    gonna let you pass me by."

Sunday, 17 January 2010

  • Currently
    The Script
    By The Script
    "Breakeven"
    see related

    Life is a Maze, and Love is a Riddle (#22 of 370)

    (I actually wrote this last night, but internet was not happy with me.)

    Normally I'd be writing this just on my laptop since it's one of my 370 blogs that I've decided to write on my laptop, but why not change it up a bit.

    Have you ever felt like you were living just to live? Like there really wasn't any other reason to live other than to survive? As though you are set here to accomplish your dreams, goals, and wishes, but it was all for no true reason? That's how I've been feeling for a pretty long time. I like my life, and I'm grateful for it every single day, but sometimes I can't help but think, "What is all this for? What's it worth?"

    Please note: I've never complained of being alive.

    The way I see it now is different. We may be some kind of experiments to God, but at the same time we're meant to live through life for more than just surviving. Surviving isn't what we were put on this earth. I mean yea, I'm not God to say that, but we really have to see the reality of life. What if we were meant to put life and love together? I'm sure someone, if not everyone, has thought of this conclusion, but I'm going to pretend like no one does.

    We have people in our lives. Some more special than others, and some who mean the world....at least our individual world....to us. Those are the people God sent to us to meet for one reason or another. We shouldn't dust that off, and pretend it's just a "coincidence" that you happened to meet them.

    When you're born, God blesses you with your first loves, your family. Everyone's family is different, but most are loving, caring, and protective of you. They want nothing more than to help you seek out your life in a positive manner. This is the love that is with you for literally your whole life. No but's or if's about it.

    Then you have your, what I like to call, second family. Also known as friends. These are the people you eventually find in your life. Wether it be because of school, or spontaneously. Each one means something different to you. Each one holds their own individual spot in your heart. Some will leave your life, but the ones that remain are the ones that were supposed to be there in the first place. Sometimes this love requires sacrifice, and maybe even pain. I say sacrifice, because you eventually need to let them in to receive the love you want, and deserve. The amazing thing about friends? They can lead to changing you life just by listening to your problems, and helping you through your difficult situations. This is the love you don't ever want to lose.

    And finally, you have "the love" of your life. The one you are destined to spend forever, and eternity with. Some aren't so lucky, and end up trying to find someone else if the first marriage goes south, but that's own's own I suppose. If you're wise enough to see clear, you will only need to spend forever & always with 1 person, and 1 person only. Sometimes you may even end up being with one of your best friends forever, or they may end up becoming your best friend. Let's hope it's both.

    You see, life is not really about living at all, it's about loving. You can include loving life though.
    It makes life a lot easier with both.

    As for love being a riddle? The only riddle you'll need to unscramble a few times in your life is figuring out what kind of love is the person in front of you, and asking yourself, "What kind of love do I WANT it to be?"

    There's always a reason why certain people meet.

    Jan. 17. 2:57am

christina_believe

  • Visit christina_believe's Xanga Site
    • Name: Crissy
    • Country: United States
    • Birthday: 12/25/1991
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 4/25/2008

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About Me

  • Basicly I'm Just Like You...Except for one thing: I'm no where Near Like You. Age:17. Class:2010. Loves: Milky Ways & Music. Hates:...Nothing actually. I can be sarcastic or serious, depending on the mood you catch me in :) I'm Catholic. I have a job. I live to listen to Music. I know where I want to go in life. I hate cliques. [Soo you're Mexican, you need Mexican friends? I think not. I like them all!] Oh and only 2 of my real friends know about my Xanga haha :)

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