I'll be 18 in 57 days (Christmas day) and although I still look like I'm 13-15 years old, I KNOW I'll be 18 and have to grow up. This sadenss me.

At 18 you are pushed out of high school (so there goes all those wonderful memories) and pushed into college, sure it's fun but its not ALL fun-and-games, you have to actually PAY for classes and living expenses (there goes shopping money)

Then God help, you graduate from college and "begin" your life. (what were you living before??)
At that point, you think, "...Now what?" Well now you have to find yourself a wonderful girl or guy to live the rest of your life with! Hooray!

So you fall in love, get married, then Oopes! Out pops a junior.

Now you have to focus on making sure this cutie doesn't turn into a rebel by the time he starts walking, so you raise  him, then once he starts walking, he learns to talk, once he starts talking he eats on his own, then he goes to school...and poof! That's all there is to it. He "begins" his own life and cycle...

...I think I'm afraid of these "living" steps...Cause that means someday (faster than I believe) MY child will say, "You're too old to do that mom"...Oh, my, gosh.

I get these "I want to be in a serious relationship" and "I just want to have fun for now" thoughts & feelings that make me go insane!! I haven't figured out what to do about them quite yet =|

Do I be with you and can't see you often then I move out-of-state for a few months, or do I not be with you, wonder what if and get somebody else "for now"??

I'm SO lost. It's like I KNOW I want to be with him for a long time, he's someone I've been waiting for! EXACTLY what I could've ever asked for and MORE. He's actually someone I would want to marry in the future. But what if we are together NOW and end up splitting because of our distance, that means the future has a less chance. But I COULD wait until I graduate high school and only be 15mins away from where he lives and we could start our life together...OR I'm getting ahead of myself!! >_<

I just don't want to lose the love I could have just because I didn't want to be committed at this moment.

 I'm kidding myself to think that I could EVER find anyone as near to perfect for me as he is!!

I don't even know.

I wrote about this a few days after it happened, but it got lost due to connection loss

So, here I go again.

Growing up, I didn't have my dad in my life hardly. I just knew he was alive, he had his own family, and that I've only seen him a few times. As a child, it was hard for me to come to the understanding that I will never have that mommy and daddy are husband and wife experience, that I will never be Daddy's Little Girl because Daddy has 2 other girls That I've never met. It was painful as a little girl not knowing why mommy and daddy are not together, why I had to lie to my friends that he was on "business" or that he was "sleeping" inside the house. Why I had to grow up with my older brother being the closest thing I had to a father. Yet, I knew I would never understand.

But all in the meantime, I had my best friend and her family. My "2nd Family" as I like to call them. My brother was in Kindergarden with her brother and that's how our mom's met. I was 2, she wasn't born yet. In the blur of my childhood, I remember her mom being my babysitter and a nurse, and her husband, Frank, as a Doctor and a jokester haha. As I grew older, this family became closer to us. they helped us in everything they could. I don't remember when Valerie, my best friend, was born, but I remember us playing Barbies, taking baths, going swimming, and especially going to the beach as a family. I can't remember my life without them. They were always there.

Frank and Rose were like my 2nd parents, I spent more time with them than I did with my mom. Although me and my mom were really close and she was a great mother, she worked a lot as a hair stylist while Rose and Frank took care of me and my brother. We had a lot of wonderful times with them and their 3 kids, Matt, Steven, and Valerie.

Frank was always the jokester and the person that could make a whole room laugh. With his baby tooth smile, and his ghost calls, and his outrageous singing and dancing, you could never have a bad day with him around. What I remember most was him treating me like his other daughter. He would come in before his night shifts smelling like cologne and would kiss Valerie on the forehead, say "I love you." and kiss me on the forehead and say, "I love you." It felt as though he was my real dad heading to work. That was the greatest, repeated memory I have of him since I can remember, even though its a small memory. That cologne, I will never forget. It was so soothing to me, not too strong, not too light. Just right. Like Frank :)
He would take me and Valerie out for ice cream, the mall, etc. and when I moved (2 years ago) it was hard. He basically helped raise me in any way he could. I never let him know how much that meant to me. How much HE meant to me. Now that I'm 17, turning 18, I couldn't be more grateful for what he did for me. He danced with me in my Quince when I turned 15. I was so glad to have him there as my father. Valerie was a Dama, Matt was a Chambelan, and Steven was my Chambelan of Honor.

Before moving, he got sick. His 2 kidneys failed and he had to get dialysis every week for 4 hours. I never noticed how severe it was because he would always joke, he would say things like, "Christina, I'm sick. I have no kidneys and Valerie is hitting me." Like a little kid. He would always joke and smile and laugh. All the time, that's who he was.

"You never REALLY notice the goodness someone does, until it's too late to tell them..."

My brother had been in California working since April, and went to visit our 2nd family for a few weeks. The day after he got there something went wrong with Frank's dialysis and had to be sent to the hospital. What I know of, his vein broke and caused his body to get an infection. Doctor's had to cut his leg open to clean some of the infected areas. Soon enough, we all received the news that he had to get surgery on his heart because the valves were also infected.

Friday, June 19th, 2009 was the day the Doctors scheduled his surgery for
Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 11:30 A.M.

Father's Day, Sunday, June 21st, 2009.

My mom got to talk to Frank for a while, and of course, he joked, "Mary, when are you coming to see me. I'm very sick Mary. I'm scared. Don't you love me anymore?" With his child voice, and my mom just laughed and said, "Frank! You're a strong man, don't worry. You're a big boy! We're all praying for you to get better. You will get better." she wished him a Happy Father's day, let him know how much we loved him and missed him. I was supposed to talk to him but she hung up and forgot. I told her it was ok because at least she told him we loved him, and I was planning on sending him a card with how much he means to me in my life.

Monday, June 22nd, 2009.

I work Monday's as a secretary in a Catholic Church and everyone let me know that they were praying for him and for his surgery to go well the next day, the other secretary dropped by to say hello and also let me know he was in her prayers. But one thing I can't forget that she told me was, "...You have to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst." I thought to myself, "How can you say that?! I know he's going to be ok. He's in a great hospital, and he's a strong man."I did tell her, "He's a strong man, I know he'll get better."

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009...The day I wish would not have existed.

My mom was going to wake up early to pray before his surgery, I slept at 2am talking on the phone and didn't wake up early, neither did she...I woke up at 11:15 A.M. at 11:20 A.M. I looked down to my cell phone that was on silent in my palm and it read "Steven" I figured my brother was calling. I answered, without thinking twice about Frank's surgery, my brother spoke the words I will never forget, "Christina, I need to talk to you and mom. (His voice sounded too low)" My whole body shivered thinking something had to went wrong and Frank may have gotten more sick. My mom was in the bathroom at the time, but I knew this couldn't wait. My brother said, "Put me on speaker, I need you guys to sit down."...I shivered more as anxiety ran through my body...my mom replied with, "Raul? What's wrong? How is Frank!?" he replied, "Something went wrong before the surgery, they were prepping him and they don't know how but something went wrong and he got...(His voice cracked)...a brain stroke..." My mom cut him off, "WHAT!? Oh God of mine, what happened?! Is he ok?!"...my brother cut in, "Mom...Frank, Frank died. (He broke down)"

I remember running out of the bathroom feeling as though I had heard a lie, I fell to the floor of the hallway and completely broke down yelling and screaming, "NO! GOD NO NO NO NO!!! NO!!" Over, and over, and over again until my voice was completely faded. My body had no control, my tears couldn't stop, I felt time slow down and stop at the same time. It was a pain like no other. That stab I felt, I have never felt before. Everything else her and my brother spoke about after the words, "Frank died." Are a complete blur to me, nonexistent. I just remember her  grabbing me up off the floor while we both just cried on the couch for what seemed like forever. At that time, she was talking to Rose. My mom kept saying, "I should have been there!! I'm going to be there as soon as I can!! (Rose said she didn't have to) No Rose I HAVE to be there I'm GOING to be there! I need you as much as you need me right now! I'm like your sister!" Trying to contain her tears and voice the best that she could. I felt a drop of relief hearing we were going to go, all I could think about is hugging Valerie.

I called my work and told them what had happened, I felt the biggest help when they said to take my time and that God needed him in a better place for no more suffering.

Surprisingly, I wasn't mad at God at all.
He had taken the closest person I have ever had that died, and I wasn't angry.
I was devastated to say the least, but not angry.

Being in California for that hard time was both heart wrenching, but happy. Heart wrenching for our loss, but happy for the memories he created. And I knew I wasn't alone, and so did his family.

I would have thought going to the viewing would be the hardest thing for me to do, but it wasn't. I looked at him with Valerie holding my hands and our eyes with tears, and I felt a brush of weight off me, I said to myself, "Now I'm SURE he's in Heaven." I've never seen a deceased body without feeling like they were still around, when I saw Frank, I was sure God had him, and I wasn't afraid.

The saddest thing for me was having to say goodbye when he was already gone. Having to tel him how much he meant to me when he wasn't there physically. I stood at the podium with sadness, but gratefulness that I had him in my life. I talked about the adventures I remembered most, about his humor, but most of all, about how he was my dad to me. How he cared for me like he did Valerie.

The 2nd service the next day was just as hard. But once again, I talked. This time I mentioned how hard it is to have to say goodbye this way, and how I didn't get to tell him how much he meant to me. But that I know he knew.

The day we were leaving back home, Rose gave me his aftershave. It was the same smell from his cologne, he had used it up, but the after shave was from the same set. On the train, I put a dot on my hands and smelled it, the memory of him going to work was no where far. Having that with me, I feel like he's always around, and always will be.

It hurts still, with regret a month later, knowing that I had a chance to talk to him on Father's Day and tell him how much he meant to me, but didn't. How I was never able to write that letter to him. And as much as I know that He is with God, I can't help be a little selfish and wish he was here instead.

My greatest pain, helped open my eyes to my greatest appreciation of my mother and brother.
One day, I know I'll be able to tell Frank how much he means to me.

Rest In Peace Frank. "2nd Dad"
 You were too young at 52 to say farewell.
You will forever be missed, and always be remembered.

"Don't wait until you lose who you have to appreciate them and to give them the gratitude you feel everyday."