Monday, 26 October 2009

  • When God takes someone away...

                        

    You're My Guardian Angel Now.
    Martin. P (October 9th, 1991-September 26, 2009)

        I've come to realize this has been most likely the WORST year of my (almost) 18 years of life!!!! Before this year, I was able to say,

    "I've never lost anyone close to me before"...This year, God has taken 2 people from me, 3 months apart. Frank and Martin.

    Frank was pretty much my dad since I was 2 (My best friend's dad for 15 years of her life). He was the father I never had, and the most caring man I have ever met. He died June 23rd.

    Martin was my FIRST and LAST boyfriend From January 17 to Mid April. He died September 26. Losing him was like losing my year. There's so many things I wished I could've done different to prevent his death, but there was nothing anyone can do. He was 17 (turning 18 on October 9th, just 2 weeks after his death) with his big life plans ahead of him. He worked over 30 hours a week to help out his single mom (he had no siblings). He would tell me he worked hard, so he could retire young and enjoy his future family. He was planning to start college just 2 days after his death. I found his death completely unfair!! The worst part was that I FELT it when he died without even knowing it.

    It was around 10:20pm. I had went to a Catholic Youth Retreat from 9am to 6pm that day and was just completely exhausted. I laid on the couch trying to sleep, but I couldn't and I didn't know why!! I felt like I wanted to pass out but I couldn't get myself to sleep when I closed my eyes, even worse I felt sad for no apparent reason. My mom went out with her boyfriend that night, and before she left I asked her not to go but I didn't know why!! Then at around 10:30pm I felt my body trying to sleep, and right when I felt like it was going to...I jolted up as though I had hit something. My heart started pounding a lot and I didn't understand, my brother was on the floor reading and I asked him if he ever felt that, he just looked at me weird. I got up to use the restroom, when I laid back down I felt really sad, that's when I heard sirens. I've always disliked hearing ambulances, but this time was deferent. I kept repeating in my head, "WHY WON'T THEY STOP!?!?!" My heart raced more, I asked my brother why they were taking so long, I couldn't stand the sound it felt like it wouldn't stop! I actually covered my ears with my pillow. The noise was just sooo hard to take!! Then finally around 10:40, they stopped.

    I finally went to sleep eventually.

    I'm very consistent with turning off the ringer on my phone at night. I ALWAYS turn it off. This time, I don't know why but I somehow was sure that I had turned it off.

    Then, at 4:30 something A.M. I got the phone call from Martin's friend, who was also mine, (I met Martin through him) He didn't sound well, I was trying to think why he would be calling, "Maybe his sister is sick and he needs someone to pray for her?" "Maybe he needs somewhere to go?"...Instead I got, "Christina, Martin...Martin died." and he began to cry. I felt like I was having a nightmare, I didn't know how to respond I just kept repeating, "Wait wha...wha..what?!? But...H...h...how?! WHAT!?" The feeling I got thinking about him dead was unbearable, it was the strangest feeling I had ever gotten. He began to explain with complete sadness coming from his words, "He got out of work late, and went home, took a shower then was driving to a party. He hit a tree and the car burst into flames." I could not get myself to react the way I thought I would have, I just couldn't believe it. That's when my mom asked from her room "What's wrong Christina?!" I said, "Martin died mom!" She just said, "No, he's not dead come here" She obviously did not hear my phone. We hung up and I went to my mom's room with a stunned look on my face. I just kept trying to react and I couldn't. I didn't know how to.

    It finally hit and I started crying. Feeling guilty that I hadn't seen him since June when he graduated. I had planned on seeing him 2 days before the accident to return his guitar Hero game. I kept putting it off because I didn't want it to be awkward. I hated myself for feeling like that! I laid next to my mom and just cried not being able to process his death and knowing he was gone...he was REALLY gone forever and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

    The whole week I wasn't myself. The process hit and I cried spontaneously throughout the week. His funeral was the last goodbye. I didn't want to remember him dead, so I didn't look in his casket. I wanted to remember him smiling, tall, laughing, happy, alive. The week past but I felt him everywhere still. The week after, all the stress and sadness hit me and I got sick with a cold.

    Now it's a bit easier, but it will never be completely easy. I don't know how long it will be until I'm ready to have another boyfriend. And for now, everything reminds me of him. I've reminisced the day we met, up until the last time I saw him. I took him for granted. He cared so much about me, he SHOWED me and WROTE me letters, but I was selfish and wanted communication. I couldn't accept the fact that he just didn't want to say the wrong things around me. I didn't accept it, until it was too late.

    I have a box with every moment since the first time we went out. From the plastic wrap of the flower bouquet he gave me when he asked me, "Would you like to be my girlfriend?" to every ticket from the movies we went to go see, to a Panda Express Bear (where he worked) that he gave me when I got sick, to the card that sang "My Girl", to the letter he wrote apologizing that he was not good at expressing himself in communication, to the paper that read our points when we went Laser Tagging for the first time at a friends' birthday, to even a decoration of my friends' parents 25 year wedding anniversary where he (tried) taught me to dance.   All of this was what I looked at as not REALLY important, but I knew he was my first real boyfriend and that I would share those things with my kids. I have yet to open that box since we broke up. One day I'll be strong enough, but never strong enough to not cry.

    I miss him, I really do. Everyday I think, "What would have happened if we would have stayed together?" "What could I've done different?"...I finally see there wasn't anything I could've done. We kept in touch through texting but I should've seen that as not being enough. I didn't return his game, and now I have that as a reminder.

    I no longer take anyone for granted. This life we live can end at anytime.
    "We can't just live to live, we must live life,"

    Christina

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